by Karen G. Bockelman

It’s June. A few weeks ago you received an invitation. The honor of your presence is requested at the marriage of — a friend, relative, colleague, neighbor, the son or daughter of someone you know. You’ve accepted the invitation. (You did send back your RSVP, didn’t you?) You’ve chosen a gift and a card. You've dressed for the occasion. The day has arrived, and here you are, waiting for the music to begin. Now it’s simply a matter of sitting back and watching the wedding unfold. Isn’t it?

Well, it is certainly possible to be present at a wedding merely as an observer. There is a sense in which the guests are actually unnecessary. What makes a marriage legal is the public exchange of promises between the couple in front of witnesses (and a little paperwork). The law only requires the presence of an officiant and a witness or two.

But that’s not the way most weddings work. Human beings are social creatures and we like to share special events with others — especially family and friends. The invitation list usually goes far beyond what the law requires. We even share weddings with strangers —  honking horns on the way to the reception, fastening "Just Married" signs on the car.

For people of faith, a wedding is an event marked by God’s presence. Christians understand marriage as a gift of God that brings joy to those who enter it and blessing to the whole human community. Jesus affirmed the covenant of marriage and the Holy Spirit sustains it.

Whether the religious marriage rite takes place in a church or not, it is a worship service. God’s people gather, the word of God is proclaimed, vows are spoken, prayers of blessing and intercession are offered, communion may be celebrated. All those assembled — the couple, the wedding party, the pastor, the musicians, the relatives and friends — have a part to play. Liturgy is, after all, the work of the people. The couple exchange promises and rings, musicians make music, the pastor presides and preaches, members of the family or wedding party may read lessons. These roles are pretty familiar. But just what is it we do?

In the marriage rite of (the soon–to–be–published) Evangelical Lutheran Worship, the minister may introduce the service with these or similar words:

"Let us now witness their promises to each other and surround them with our prayers, giving thanks to God for the gift of marriage and asking God’s blessing upon them, that they may be strengthened for their life together and nurtured in the love of God" (ELW, Life Passages [Marriage]).

WITNESS
The word witness, used as a verb, means to testify to what one knows. As a noun, it means a person present at an event. Family and friends at a wedding witness through their words and their presence. I once presided at the marriage of a couple who combined Lutheran and Society of Friends (Quaker) elements in their ceremony. In keeping with the worship tradition of a Friends meeting, we allowed for a time of silence and an opportunity for those present to share messages as the Spirit moved them. Now I don’t expect such public testimony to catch on with Lutherans, but it was a profound way for those assembled to be more than spectators.

It is also a tradition among Friends for the couple and all the guests to sign the wedding certificate. Often hand–written and illustrated in beautiful calligraphy and illumination, such certificates are hung prominently in the couple’s home as a reminder of the vows they made and the company of loving friends who shared the occasion.

More recently I attended a wedding where a photo of the entire assembly was taken after the ceremony. At the reception all the guests were invited to sign the mat already prepared for the photo. There is something about the act of signing your name that makes your role as witness more substantial.

PROMISE
We human beings make lots of promises to each other. "I promise to be on time." "Promise to give me a call?" "I won’t make that mistake again, I promise." And lots of promises can be part of marriage vows — to have and to hold, to join and to share, to support and to care, to forgive and to be forgiven, to love and to cherish.

It is not possible to put together words that cover every contingency of married life. Whatever words are chosen — whether traditional or written by the couple—marriage vows have this in common: They promise faithfulness, under all circumstances, for life.

We human beings are able to make such promises to one another because we have experienced God’s promises to us. We can love because God first loved us. We can forgive because God has forgiven us. We can be faithful because God does not abandon us.

After the exchange of vows and rings, the presiding minister announces that the couple, by their promises before God and in the presence of those gathered, have joined themselves to one another in marriage. "Those whom God has joined together let no one separate."

With our "Amen," we too are making a promise. We are promising to uphold the couple in their life together, to avoid any word or action on our part that might drive a wedge between them. This is a promise not just for the wedding day, but for all the weeks, months, and years ahead.

PRAYER
The prayers at a wedding of course include prayers for the newly married couple, but such prayers are put into a larger context. We pray, as we do at any worship service, for the church, the world, and all those in need. The couple does not and will not live in a bubble made for two; and so the prayers are full of reminders of the larger community in which they will make their lives.

A seminary professor once said, "We are God’s first answer to our own prayers." As we hear the prayers of intercession and offer our response, we are called to work for the very things for which we pray: — for the Christian community everywhere to be the body of Christ in the world; — for justice and peace in all human relationships; — for those we love, those whom we struggle to love, and those for whom love is a stranger;— for the suffering, the grieving, and the absent.

Such prayers are also a reminder that "happily ever after" is how fairy tales end, not real life. Human relationships are a mixture of joy and sorrow, good and bad, success and struggle. Honest prayer allows us to place all the circumstances of our lives and the lives of those we love into God’s merciful hands.

BLESSING
Not long ago my husband and I attended the wedding of a friend’s daughter. Before the wedding party processed, the pastor invited the congregation to offer a special blessing. A beautiful silver box holding the rings was passed from person to person through the congregation. Each of us had the opportunity to say a silent prayer of blessing. My husband and I held the box in our joined hands and prayed for the bride and groom and for God’s continued blessing on our own marriage. It was a powerful moment. We believe that God blesses marriage.

We also believe that God can use us to bring blessing to one another. The marriage rite includes both. The rites in Lutheran Book of Worship and Evangelical Lutheran Worship offer options for families to bless the couple. ELW provides for the assembly to promise to uphold and care for the couple in their life together. The Lord’s Supper strengthens us for service in daily life. We all receive the blessing of God as we depart.

"... will you support and care for them, sustain and pray for them in times of trouble, give thanks with them in times of joy, honor the bonds of their covenant, and affirm the love of God reflected in their life together?" "We will" (ELW, Life Passages [Marriage]).

It’s June. You have attended a wedding. What did you do when they said "I do"? You celebrated God’s gift of marriage. You witnessed and promised, prayed and blessed, raised your voice in song, offered acclamation and applause, shared Holy Communion, smiled, and maybe shed a few tears. You have been the church at work.

The Rev. Karen G. Bockelman is assistant to the bishop of the Northeastern Minnesota synod. She and her husband, John McDonald, and their daughter, Kate, live in Duluth, Minn.